I’ve been thinking about Ann Coulter a lot lately – a real shocker, I know - and I think I’ve finally found a way to get her out of the hot water she’s in over her recent outing of John Edwards. Before I reveal just what she ought to do, I have an obligation to tell her what not to do – especially since she’s getting such bad advice from other conservatives.

The first thing Ann should not do is heed calls that she apologize for using the term “faggot.” The last time I heard that word, I was helping move a friend into his new house in downtown Wilmington. The next door neighbor, who happened to be gay, had us over to grab something to eat and drink.

When someone asked our host the name of the style he used to decorate the living room, his reply was “Early 20th Century Colonial Faggot.” He made the joke partially because he had a few too many drinks before his guests arrived. But he also did it because many homosexuals have never really aspired to the goal of making everyone feel as comfortable as they feel they have a right to feel at all times.

A friend of mine – one who “came out of the closet” over a decade ago - often used the term “faggot” when he was angry at someone. He used the term long after he decided he was gay. But it never occurred to anyone within earshot that a word banning ritual or forced apology was in order.

Put simply, it is permissible for heterosexuals to use the term “faggot” because so many homosexuals use it all the time. The only rebuttal I’ve heard is that the same cannot be said with regard to the use of the “n-word.” This is an unspeakable insult to black people. Gay persecution does not rival black persecution in the annals (I could not find a better word to insert here) of American history. Any assertion to the contrary is simply too queer to take seriously.

Speaking of the term “queer,” Ann should realize that the term “faggot” will soon be deemed acceptable for everyone’s use in the eyes of the diversity movement. Recall that the term “queer” was once acceptable in America – certainly you remember playing “smear the queer” in grade school. After years of banning the term, the Diversity Offices are now establishing “Queer Resource Centers” on college campuses. And they let you call them that even if you aren’t a queer.

Before long, the executives of Diversity Incorporated – the people who really run this country – will again let us use the term “faggot.” The switch will be necessary because a) Diversity Incorporated makes all of its money on diversity training classes (read: shakedown seminars) in corporate America, and b) these classes are nothing more than a recitation of currently banned words and ideas. (Hence the need to constantly update the list even if it means regressing and calling it “progress”.)

Perhaps the most compelling reason for Ann to refrain from issuing an apology is that it might send the message that homosexuality is somehow “wrong.” Those saying that the implication that Edwards is a homosexual is “defamatory” are suggesting that homosexuality is “bad.” This flies in the face of the teachings of the official religion of the Diversity Movement, which is, of course, moral relativism.

Every time I get into a discussion about homosexuality I am accused of being “secretly gay.” When the accuser is strait, he shows how much he secretly hates homosexuals. When the accuser is gay, he shows how much he secretly hates himself. Ann should not mimic this hatred by apologizing for something Leftists do regularly and unapologetically.

But enough about what Ann ought not to do. Here’s what she should do immediately:

1. Start a website called “Global War on Fags” today.

2. Begin writing essays calling for the cleansing and purification of society via the mass murder of homosexuals.

3. Distribute videos on the website showing the actual murders of homosexuals.

4. Circulate instructions on how to bomb gay bath houses in San Francisco.

5. Circulate a “battle dispatch” to give people specific information on America’s most notorious bath houses.

6. Apply for a job at Kent State University.

At first, the cries for Ann Coulter’s imprisonment will be loud. But once Kent State gets wind of the story (and possession of her job application) a happy ending will soon be in sight (not incite). In fact, I predict that Ann will soon be a professor at Kent State University with good retirement benefits, a health plan, and tenure.

The current Coulter controversy provides more than a good job opportunity for Ann Coulter. It gives Kent State a chance to show its dedication to the First Amendment, not just Muslim extremism.