Author’s note: This column may be offensive to (deleted), (deleted), (deleted), and other protected minority groups deemed insufficiently stable to function in society without the protection, love, and support of white liberals.

My recent column about a man’s successful bout with racism raised the ire of many readers. People were upset because it contained the word (deleted), which is offensive to many “African-Americans”, which, by the way, is a term offensive to me, a decidedly non-hyphenated American of Caucasian extraction.

Since so many people were a) offended by the word (deleted), which has racial connotations, and b) un-offended by the phrase (deleted) (deleted), which takes the Lord’s name in vain, I’ve come to the following conclusion:

Political correctness, not Christianity, provides the true moral foundation of American society in the 21st century.

Mayor Ken Corley of Brazoria, Texas understands this. He’s trying to pass an ordinance banning the word (deleted) because of its history of bigotry and hatred in America. If people say the word (deleted) it will cost a whopping $500 in his little Texas town.

But I have one little problem with Corley’s proposal. He’s not a (deleted). He’s a white guy. And that raises serious concerns for those of us who believe that the real racism in America comes not from saying the word (deleted) but from letting the white guys make all the rules.

So last Friday when I walked into my classes, I tried to set an example for the 100 students I’m teaching this semester. In the name of Equal Protection of the Law - which has saved many a (deleted) from a racist legal system – I decided to let everyone ban the word that he decided was most offensive. I extended the offer to women and trans-gendered students, too.

Here is a summary of the words we are not going to use in class this semester: 1. A (This could dramatically curb the recent trend in grade inflation).

2. B**ch (This should impede our ability to talk about how the Chancellor has really b**ched the parking situation on campus).

3. Bush (The President not the line from The Vagina Monologues).

4. Bush (The line from The Vagina Monologues not the President).

5. Chink (We will also ban the word “think” because it sounds so doggone similar).

6. Chunky (I also plan to ban “funky” because I think the words stinks).

7. Cooter (Obviously, I have a student from Mississippi).

8. Crap (This will impede the rolling of dice, which, in turn, may interfere with our efforts to encourage gambling in order to raise money for education).

9. Cracker (I have a parakeet who’s not going to be pleased).

10. C**t (Don’t tell me you c**’t decipher the asterisks).

11. C**t (This is really similar to the last one. Just use your imagination).

12. Crunk (I’ve never actually heard this on campus but better safe than sorry).

13. Cucumber (This is the favorite vegetable at the Women’s Resource Center).

14. DePaolo (Our Chancellor’s last name).

15. Democrat (I didn’t participate in the exercise. I promise!).

16. Dude (The surfing club still doesn’t know about this one).

17. Duke (Reminder: I didn’t participate in the exercise. I promise!).

18. Dr. Adams (This is two words but I’m going to let it slide).

19. Drink (I predict this will be easier to enforce than “drunk.” Sorority girls like to say “I’m like totally drunk and stuff”).

20. Fag (The English smokers won’t be happy).

21. Faggot (I’m banning “maggot” for safe measure. It’s the niggardly thing to do!).

22. Heart (The feminists wanted to make sure that Valentine’s Day was centered on a different pulsating organ).

23. Hell (I knew they would ban the Bible eventually at UNCW!).

24. Hillary (Senator Obama was visiting our class that day. He was a good listener. One could say he’s all ears).

25. Humanitarian (Not the same as “liberal”).

26. Kike (The Middle Eastern Studies Department is currently appealing this one). 27. Lemons (I’m also banning “melons” at the request of the Women’s Resource Center).

28. Liberal (Not the same as “humanitarian”). Continued...