5. Asians will be asked to petition the Department of Motor Vehicles for stricter driver competency examinations.
6. Jews will be asked to sign a petition asking Missouri to add a state holiday celebrating the birthday of Yasser Arafat.
7. Gays will be asked to petition the government for stricter licensing requirements for hairdressers.
8. Democrats will be forced to vote for Republican candidates.
9. Lesbians will be asked to sign a petition banning softball, and, finally;
10. United Methodist preachers will have to sign a bill forcing United Methodist preachers to actually preach the Holy Scripture on Sunday instead of just talking about their feelings.
I can hardly tell you how great it feels to finally have a job where I can obtain personal satisfaction by forcing people in other groups to do things they find to be offensive – even if it violates their conscience or some deeply held religious conviction.
I’m going to start my new job by writing (frankkauffman@missouristate.edu) a note of thanks to my new colleague. Without Professor Kauffman I never would have made the transition from ordinary professor to extraordinary bigot and tenured fascist.