I’m going to be brutally honest with you in today’s column. I’m not having a very good semester and, lately, I’ve been having a hard time keeping my sarcastic remarks to myself – especially when it comes to interacting with students. In fact, the “drafts” folder in my hotmail account is full of letters I wrote but never sent because they were a little too caustic and darned near offensive.

But since my right-wing readers are not so easily offended I thought I would share those unsent emails in this column. Some are downright funny. And most give good insight into the culture of victimhood that pervades our campuses today. So I hope you enjoy reading these responses more than I enjoyed receiving the letters that inspired them:

Dear (name deleted):

Thanks for your note explaining why you brought a cell phone into Wednesday’s exam. As you know, cell phones are banned from tests because several of your peers have been caught using the text message function to store class notes and retrieve them during the exam. But, apparently, your case is different. You are concerned about your mother’s health. By the way, I thank you for providing – in your last email - a detailed list of all her medical ailments.

Your letter was heart wrenching. And it’s got me thinking about my momma, too. But, since my cell phone is broken, I’m writing to ask you a special favor. Could we resolve this conflict with your agreement to loan me your cell phone for the duration of the semester? That way, I can call my momma all day long just to check on her health. And, needless to say, I’ll be writing you soon with a full list of all her medical ailments. I sure hope her hemorrhoids aren’t acting up. I don’t want our emails to get too personal.

Dr. Mike S. (stands for “Sick of Hearing Excuses”) Adams

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Dear (name deleted):

Thanks for writing to discuss my decision to send you home from class early the other day. As you know, I do not allow students to have cell phones in class because of the recent outbreak of obsessive text messaging during lectures. I developed this policy when a girl on the second row engaged in a thirty minute text messaging conversation during one of my lectures. Every time her friend replied to a message her vibrator went off. I could hear it and I could also see students in her vicinity giving her dirty looks. She tried to say that she should be able to keep it because it was hidden down between her knees. She lost the argument, needless to say. So, please, don’t be a pansy. If a woman can go for an hour without using her vibrator, so can you.

Dr. Mike S. (stands for “Stop Being a Sissy”) Adams

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Dear (name deleted):

Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. I was responding to a student who was asking for special permission to carry his cell phone into class because his momma is diabetic. That’s why I’m late responding to your request for special permission to carry your cell phone into class because your mother “fell down and hurt herself.”

No.

Dr. Mike S. (stands for “Succinct”) Adams

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Dear (name deleted):

Thank you for your recent email informing me that you will not be in class next week because your back “hurts real bad.” Please try to avoid disclosing such medical information in future correspondence. Unless you strain your neck pulling your head out of your ass, I’m really not interested. Thank you,

Dr. Mike S. (stands for “Sultan of Sarcasm”) Adams

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Dear (name deleted):

I am in receipt of your request for help doing research on your English paper. I thank you for taking the time to ask me to look up some cases for you and get back to you with a brief synopsis of the significance of those cases. But first, I have a question. How did you know that I like helping undergraduates with their research papers – especially undergraduate English majors I’ve never met before? Unfortunately, another English major just got done defecating in the Faculty Men’s Room and I have to go flush the toilet and wipe his bottom for him. As soon as I’m done, I’ll get right to work on your paper.

Mike S. (stands for “Student Research Assistant”) Adams

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Dear (name deleted):

Hi. Thanks for writing to express your First Amendment right to say that I have no first Amendment right to criticize women for having abortions. I love getting emails from English majors, especially feminist English majors. Your assertion that a woman has the exclusive right to terminate a pregnancy without input or criticism from anyone, especially a man, is an assertion I’ve heard often. I’m not at all surprised that you based your conclusion on the observation that women are naturally better at raising babies than men. So, according to you, the whole issue of reproduction is a female issue and men should just shut their mouths.

If I may extend an olive branch and say that I agree that women are better suited for raising children, I hope you’ll return the favor and agree that men are better suited - because of physical differences and differences in disposition – for fighting wars. So, I think a man should be able to fight a war without having to listen to a woman’s opinion about it. Come to think of it, he should be able to turn on his army and murder one of his own troops without having to hear from a woman either.

Just as reproduction is a woman’s issue, war is a man’s issue. So, I would like to suggest that all of you war protesting feminists just shut up and let the men handle these manly kinds of things. A woman’s job is raising babies. Or did you mean to say something else?

Dr. Mike S. (stands for “Seeking to be as condescending as a feminist”) Adams