Last Friday night, I went for a jog to relieve some stress after I found out my department denied my application for full professor. There’s something about being turned down by a diverse committee made up entirely of Democrats that causes a young Republican to search his soul for answers. And, thanks to Muhammad and Abdul, I found them.

I really wasn’t looking for these two proponents of the religion of peace but – all praise to Allah! - they sure found me. Of course, when I saw them riding up on their bicycles, I immediately assumed they were Mormons and picked up the pace. But, as they got nearer, I noticed they were too dark and brawny to be from Utah. So I slowed down to chat for awhile.

Their pitch to me was different from the one I got as a Baptist. Rather than asking me what I planned to do with Jesus, they suddenly pointed their pistols at my head and demanded that I drop to my knees. Fearing a scene reminiscent of the one in Deliverance, I quickly gave my life to Allah. I’ve been a Muslim for nearly three days now. A happier and more peaceful man I’ve never been.

But, alas, my happiness turned to sorrow when I learned of your remarks regarding the great prophet Muhammad, founder of our religion of peace. Your quotation of an ancient text suggesting he was – and Islam is - “evil and inhuman” cannot be ignored. And the Vatican’s weak suggestion that you regret Muslims were offended by the remarks is no apology. Clearly, likeminded Muslims everywhere must respond immediately and disproportionately.

We are beginning our response by appealing directly to you. Our appeal takes the form of a demand that you apologize immediately - not through a spokesperson, but directly and publicly from the floor of the United Nations. If you do not follow our orders, we will hijack planes and fly them into the U.N. Headquarters in New York. You had better take us seriously. After all, we’ve done it before.

In the event that we must attack the U.N., you will be given another week to apologize. If you do not, we will storm the Vatican and take you hostage. You had better take us seriously. After all, we’ve done it before.

In the event that we must take you hostage, you will be given another week to apologize. If you do not, we will establish special rooms in the Vatican that we will use to gang rape your nuns. We will rape them repeatedly until you apologize. You had better take us seriously. After all, we’ve done it before.

In the event that we must gang rape your nuns, you will be given another week to apologize. If you do not, we will drive to Jacksonville, North Carolina to bomb a U.S. Marines barracks. You had better take us seriously. After all, we’ve done it before.

In the event that we must bomb the sleeping Marines, you will be given another week to apologize. If you do not, we will kill one of your beloved Catholics from the Kennedy family. You had better take us seriously. After all, we’ve done it before.

If none of this works, we will sit back and schedule two years worth of actions that will take us into the summer of 2008. If we don’t have our apology by then, we will take Israeli athletes hostage at the 2008 Summer Olympics. You had better take us seriously. After all, we’ve done it before.

I know that some will say it is irrational to threaten such acts in response to the accusation that we are “evil and inhuman.” Some will say we are playing into the hands of our accusers. But those who say such things are ignoring the fact that our disproportionate responses to such insults are richly rewarded.

I predict that you will capitulate eventually and, in so doing, teach our young Muslim brothers that widespread violence is indeed rational under the circumstances. While we are not inclined to admit it, we thank American homosexual activists for teaching us how to act like crazed sociopaths to effect social change.

I look forward to your apology, Pope Benedict. And if anyone quotes your offensive quotations, I will slit his throat in the name of Islam. Praise to almighty Allah and death to those who deem us evil and inhuman.

Update: After Pope Benedict offered a public apology, Dr. Adams (now Dr. Abdul Muhammad Adams) threatened the UNCW administration with Jihad unless it reversed the decision to deny his promotion to full professor. Shortly afterwards, he threatened to flush copies of The Vagina Monologues and the Communist Manifesto (both sacred and holy texts at his university) down the toilet of the Women’s Resource Center. The communists and feminists who denied his promotion reversed themselves immediately. Adams is now the Director of Middle Eastern Studies and a Jonathan Swift Distinguished Professor of Islamic Fundamentalist Satire.