In the event that we must bomb the sleeping Marines, you will be given another week to apologize. If you do not, we will kill one of your beloved Catholics from the Kennedy family. You had better take us seriously. After all, we’ve done it before.

If none of this works, we will sit back and schedule two years worth of actions that will take us into the summer of 2008. If we don’t have our apology by then, we will take Israeli athletes hostage at the 2008 Summer Olympics. You had better take us seriously. After all, we’ve done it before.

I know that some will say it is irrational to threaten such acts in response to the accusation that we are “evil and inhuman.” Some will say we are playing into the hands of our accusers. But those who say such things are ignoring the fact that our disproportionate responses to such insults are richly rewarded.

I predict that you will capitulate eventually and, in so doing, teach our young Muslim brothers that widespread violence is indeed rational under the circumstances. While we are not inclined to admit it, we thank American homosexual activists for teaching us how to act like crazed sociopaths to effect social change.

I look forward to your apology, Pope Benedict. And if anyone quotes your offensive quotations, I will slit his throat in the name of Islam. Praise to almighty Allah and death to those who deem us evil and inhuman.

Update: After Pope Benedict offered a public apology, Dr. Adams (now Dr. Abdul Muhammad Adams) threatened the UNCW administration with Jihad unless it reversed the decision to deny his promotion to full professor. Shortly afterwards, he threatened to flush copies of The Vagina Monologues and the Communist Manifesto (both sacred and holy texts at his university) down the toilet of the Women’s Resource Center. The communists and feminists who denied his promotion reversed themselves immediately. Adams is now the Director of Middle Eastern Studies and a Jonathan Swift Distinguished Professor of Islamic Fundamentalist Satire.