Osama bin Laden was cornered by U.S. forces in his cave. He was reported to have been surrounded by 17 virgins whom he blew up along with himself, while shouting “Allahu, Akbar!”

In response, massive rallies were held in Washington.

In front of the Capitol, Cindy Sheehan addressed the crowd through a megaphone: “Did we really need over 3,000 deaths to make this happen? We could have sent cupcakes with sprinkles over to show our goodwill. Who knows? Osama could still be alive. We know that bullies are bullies because they haven’t been shown enough love. WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER!”

The ACLU sent a statement about the U.S. government’s lack of due process.

Ward Churchill, penning a book under contract with Beaufort Books, “If I Could Do It,” in a tower in the redwood forest of California, began leaking out a draft. A cable tower had been set up for him, for an office, and he received special tree-sitting privileges accorded to a little-known Native American tribe, recently discovered by a leading scholar at an ethnic studies department at the University of California, Santa Cruz. His missive in manuscript began, “The chickens have already come home to roost. Now the chicken hawks believe that they have captured the enemy? But who is the real enemy? The contractors and mercenaries of an imperialist government. . .” The statement was read to the crowd of graduate students by an English professor.

An effigy of General Petreaus was burned by protestors who wore Islamic garb and prisoner garb in sympathy with their brethren while singing, “We are the world.”

One young woman carrying a sign that read, “Bombs can kill terrorists, but only love can kill terrorism,” said, “Well, so what? They’ve captured one man. So does this mean the end to terrorism?”

“ Yeah,” said her companion, a young man in dreadlocks, “I mean, this is only one guy. So he’s made some bad choices. Is that any reason to put his body on national television? I mean, he has a right to privacy too, man.”

A bearded man in a purple sequined tutu then jumped in: “Yeah, and at what expense? We’ve lost all our civil liberties. Bob and I can’t even get married.”

A sixty-ish grizzled man in a tie-dye t-shirt waved his fists and shouted, “We ended the Vietnam War and we will end this one too!”

But across the globe, even bigger news was hitting. A man was said to be walking in sandals and speaking about “beating swords into plowshares.” He has also been luring young Palestinian children who had been chanting anti-Christian slogans away from their family televisions. He has invited them to him, saying, “Come unto me all ye children.” Amazingly, hardened children stopped mid-chant and skipped toward this man who held out his arms to them. They listened to his gentle words and ran off to play in peace and harmony, even approaching Israeli playmates. Continued...