To judge by postings in The Chronicle of Higher Education's "Careers" section, university personnel offices agree that the perfect, one-legged, omnisexual, pantheistic African-Inuit candidate with Vietnam War experience needs extra special encouragement to apply.

Seems the chance to teach six to nine hours a week and write one article a year for the American Journal for Sitting Unread on a Dusty Library Shelf just isn't encouraging enough. This means colleges advertising open positions have to play "More Diverse Than Thou" against each other in order to get the attention of a coveted "diverse candidate."

Now, as everyone knows, the concept of diversity at an American university is like Peanut M&M's: different colors on the outside, same nutty interior. Therefore many universities don't see a need to improve on the standard disclaimer proclaiming the school an equal opportunity/affirmative action employer.

Many other schools, however, apparently think that disclaimer lacks sufficient multicultural sensitivity. They need to specify exactly what they want while maintaining at least a show of plausible deniability. Imagine a spoof 1950s job notice winking and nodding that "blondes and large-breasted women are especially encouraged to apply." Now make it serious and put it in a 21st-century context. Or just read the "Careers" section.

In the March 16th edition, for example, Louisiana Tech University takes baby steps away from the standard EO/AAE disclaimer, by announcing "[m]inorities are encouraged to apply." So does Emory and Henry College, which "encourages applications from members of underrepresented groups." "Populations traditionally under represented [sic] in higher education are encouraged to apply" at Methodist University.

Those were all too weak for Blue Ridge Community College, Jacksonville State University, and the University of Virginia. There, minority applicants are "strongly" encouraged.

What if women need special encouragement, too? That's what several more colleges thought, so "women and minorities" — or some variation of those two groups ("females," "underrepresented groups," "people of color" or "individuals of diverse racial, ethnic and cultural backgrounds") — are encouraged to apply at the following schools: Maywood University, North Dakota State University, the University of Vermont, Murray State University, West Chester University of Pennsylvania, Niagara University, West Virginia University Institute of Technology, the University of North Texas, DePauw University, the University of Southern Mississippi, the University of Nebraska Medical Center, Southern Arkansas University, Yale University, Purdue University, Bastyr University, Norwich University, the University of Indianapolis, Dartmouth College, Washington College, the University of Alaska Southeast, Emporia State University, and Azusa Pacific University.

Those encouragements weren't strong enough for the University of Washington, the State University of New York at Geneseo, Daemen College, and the University of California at Berkeley, which all offer assurances that women and minorities are "strongly encouraged" to apply there. One ad for DePauw also adds "strongly." Meanwhile, at the George Washington University, they are "particularly encouraged" to apply, and at Denison University, women and minorities are "highly encouraged."

What about the disabled? "Women, ethnic minorities and persons with disabilities" (or some variation of those three) are encouraged to apply at Harper College, Virginia Commonweath University, Virginia Tech, Vanderbilt University, Troy University, Whitman College, SUNY-Oswego, the U.S. Naval Academy, and Southwest Minnesota State University. Take that, Yale.

Fairfield University trumps by "strongly" encouraging those three groups to apply. The University of Arkansas at Little Rock says to heck with encouragement, they "actively seek the candidacy of minorities, women, and persons with disabilities."

Don't forget veterans! Stony Brook University doesn't: "Women, people of color, individuals with disabilities, and veterans are encouraged" etc. Neither does Towson University, Ithaca College, Dutchess Community College, the University of Dayton, or West Virginia University (which only remembers "Vietnam-era and disabled veterans"). Continued...