Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry can't escape the "Swift Boat" wake, although CBS News anchor Dan Rather's "bias" tops all political buzzwords in the Global Language Monitor's September PQ (Political-sensitivity Quotient) Index.

Neither of the above sagas is helping Kerry's campaign - "in many cases overshadowing the key messages of the Democratic nominee," according to the index, a proprietary algorithm that tracks politically sensitive words and phrases in the media.

"With five weeks remaining in the campaign, there is a very real danger that Kerry's key messages continue to be swamped by the 'Swift Boats' and 'Rathergate' issues," says Paul JJ Payack, president of the California-based language monitor.

"Swift Boats" actually is getting more media hits and citations than all other key Kerry messages combined, according to the index, including "two Americas," "Bush the misleader," "jobless recovery" and "global outsourcing."

DANCING FOR DUBYA

Stumping for votes in Wisconsin, President Bush traveled by motorcade through the town of Walworth, where, according to the official White House Pool Report, there was an eye-catching group of ladies on hand to welcome him: "(I)n the parking lot of the Vegas Gentlemen's Club, the talent stood on the back of a flatbed truck and offered waves to the president."

EXEMPLARY EIGHT

They are a most unique group of eight Americans, each a public servant who touched countless lives. Tuesday night they were honored by the Partnership for Public Service with its 2004 Service to America Medals. Receiving the award during the gala at Washington's Union Station were:

- The Energy Department's Nicole Nelson-Jean , who, at a mere 28 years of age, led a U.S. delegation to the Arctic Circle to negotiate an agreement with Russian officials to better secure Russia's nuclear materials and weapons.

- Eileen Harrington, who led a team at the Federal Trade Commission that developed and implemented the national do-not-call registry, reducing the number of telemarketing calls for more than 60 million Americans.

- Ambassador Prudence Bushnell, now dean of the State Department's Leadership and Management School. Bushnell guided the U.S. Embassy in Kenya through its deadly 1998 bombing and was a leading voice urging a response to the ethnic genocide in Rwanda.

- Brad Gair, federal coordinating officer with the Department of Homeland Security's Federal Emergency Management Agency, who oversaw the government recovery efforts in New York City after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

- Stephen E. Browning, who, as director of regional programs for the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, led U.S. efforts to help Iraqis rebuild their electrical infrastructure, and acted as the administrative head of multiple Iraqi ministries. Earlier, he led recovery efforts at Ground Zero in New York.

- FBI Special Agent Robert F. Clifford, who led the investigation that resulted in the conviction of more than a dozen members of the notorious November 17 terrorist group, arguably Europe's most elusive terrorist network.

- Peter Darling, senior special agent with the Department of Homeland Security, Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Agent Darling led a team that shut down a massive conspiracy in which babies and female couriers were used to smuggle cocaine in baby-formula cans.

- Deborah Jin, a physicist with the National Institute of Standards and Technology who created a new form of matter that could unlock the key to superconductivity, a phenomenon with the potential to dramatically improve energy efficiency.

HELEN BARES ALL

If Helen Thomas had not revealed her stripes when earlier labeling George W. Bush "the worst president in all of American history," she bared more the other day at a women's issues conference hosted by Rep. James P. Moran, Virginia Democrat.

"If George W. Bush is re-elected, we will have war without end," the Alexandria Gazette Packet quoted Thomas as saying. "We never should have invaded Iraq. It will be a long time before we get our honor back."

The longtime White House correspondent (for UPI, before she became a columnist for Hearst newspapers) said Bush "has made us the most despised nation in the world."

She scolded her colleagues of the press, too, "because they have rolled over and played dead." Many television commentators, she observed, "have no actual reporting experience."

"There are no pictures of bloody Iraqi babies like there were from the recent Russian tragedy. This war has become so sterile," Thomas complained, while here at home the "administration is playing the fear card to the hilt."

Dealing her own fear cards, she said: "If Bush is re-elected, the draft will be reinstated, Social Security will be nearly eliminated, and there'll be more tax cuts for the rich."

She got a sustained standing ovation from the Democratic crowd, prompting Alexandria Vice Mayor Redella "Del" Pepper to comment: "I wish she would join the campaign trail."

You mean she already hasn't?

HELP ME, RHONDA

She doesn't administer Botox injections, but Rhonda Jenkins, who manages the makeup department for the Washington bureau of the Fox News Channel, has helped make Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry look his best.

For two-plus decades, Jenkins, a former Washington Redskinette, has powdered countless politicians and celebrities - from Secretary of State Colin L. Powell to singer Dolly Parton.

"Everyone knows that what you look like is seen before what you say is heard," she tells this columnist. "I have prepared the Washington power elite for their close-ups for more than 20 years and now the face behind the faces is taking the show on the road."

Tomorrow, Jenkins launches her own mobile makeup and hair studio, "Beauty To Go," a customized Winnebago (it houses six styling stations) that will primp and pamper politicians at their doorsteps.

Celebrities and politicians, as Jack Valenti, the former president of the Motion Picture Association of America, once observed, "spring from the same DNA."

HILL HARVEST Continued...