The “winter program” at Ridgeway Elementary School  In Dodgeville, Wisconsin, changed the lyrics of  the Christmas carol “Silent Night” to  the more inclusive “Cold in the Night.”  (“Cold in the night, no one in sight, winter winds whirl and bite.” ) After this success, the program’s next step will obviously be:

       
a) Changing  “O Holy Night” to “Uh-oh! Wholly night!” a  song about a lunar eclipse
b) Singing “O Little Town of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.”
c) A song  celebrating  the comeback of the American auto industry, “Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Ford.”
d) A ditty about hoping for snow at the Panama Canal, “I’m dreaming of a white isthmus.”

The modern name for Christmas trees is now:

a) Giving trees
b) Trees of color
c) Seasonal conifers
d) Inclusion bushes
e) Tall lit-up flora
f) Those pointy green things with needles and lights

Some schools have ruled that red and green cookies cannot be brought into class in December because the color combination strongly suggests the divisive sectarian feast day  of Christmas. Therefore"

a) Red cookies may be brought to school. Green ones too. But, please, not on the same day
b) A fruit bowl containing just pears and cherries is a serious constitutional matter and should be reported immediately to the ACLU, care of the Christmas erasure desk. c) In December, the San Francisco 49er may not be shown playing the New York Jets, except on black-and-white TV sets.
d) All traffic lights must be turned off until January 1.

The three wise men in the Nativity scene are objectionable because

a) They fail the multicultural test--though one is black, neither of the other two is a disabled lesbian, wiccan or vegan.

b) “Wise Men” should be “Persons of Wisdom”
c) Describing the first people to come to see Jesus as “wise” implies that  idiots can’t become Christians, which experience tells us is just not so. Continued...