Take the pharmaceutical companies, for example: they sell laxatives. Laxatives encourage people to release abnormal amounts of methane. Thus, pharmaceutical companies should be punished for ever selling laxatives and future use and sale of laxatives should be banned.

Oh, tea and coffee ought to be widely protested, along with any place producing and serving them. Their morning methane freeing stance is no secret, and the earth does not have to stand for such selfish indulgences at the price of her melting ozone.

Also, Mexican food has the reputation for boosting digestive activity. Everyone knows what happens after digestion is complete. Therefore, Mexican food and any facility serving black beans should heretofore be banned. Mexicans are not banned, just their food.

It is actually no wonder Obama is such an abortion advocate: Babies cannot control their excretion of methane. All babies really are just methane-producing machines. In fact, babies are on the forefront of the methane war against the ozone. The solution: Get rid of as many babies as possible before they have the chance to threaten the atmosphere.

The ban on all products conducive to methane discharge might appear far-fetched or even downright absurd. But what is more bizarre is the fact that there is a $864 million, 1000+ page unread spending bill that got through the House of Representatives and is now floating around the Senate, and in that bill there is a fart fee.

Citizens of America, it must be handed to Obama and his administration. They are being incredibly proactive with their social responsibilities. Since the people elected them into office, they have acted with rapid urgency in an effort to define freedoms, limit choices, infringe laws and question independence.

The provision for a bovine flatulent tax in the American Clean Energy and Security Act is step one to ensuring a better, more constipated America. Changing it from an America that was once free, creative, innovative, powerful, liberating, opportune, glorious and happy and turning it into a slow, grumbling, dull, selfish and miserable place that forever remembers what it once was and has no hope for what it could be.