What if Christians demanded the following:

1. If anyone around Christians at work or school eats pork then they would get fired or severely chastised because we believe that scarfing down pig really offends God (and of course his people). Yep, BLTs—according to our take on Christ’s commands—really ticks him off and therefore bacon should be banned. Not only that, but any food that has even trace amounts of Porky the Pig in it must be verboten and banished from our presence everywhere we go because we’re Christians, and Christians don’t dine on swine. This means Jell-O shots at Tu-Tu-Tango’s and Jell-O served to kids at school ceases to be because Jell-O, hello, contains a wee little bit of a wee little pig, and this pisseth the Lord our God off!

2. All public schools must have several regularly scheduled 15 minute breaks throughout the school day for Christians to roll out their TBN prayer rugs and pray for revival. If not, we will raise Cain and Abel.

3. Public schools must become sex-segregated so that we, the washed, sanctified, filled with the Holy Ghost and fire crowd won’t be sorely tempted to swap spit with the hot Daisy Mae looking chick in pottery class. Matter of fact, why don’t public schools just carve out for us Christians a special school within the school, lest we become sullied via association with the unwashed masses and other religious persuasions, which we utterly detest. Howzabout that, mamasita?

4. Any and all the stupid, violent or sexually weird stuff that misguided Christians have done and are doing is to be scrubbed from the historical record, and the only thing that gets reported and taught is that we are the most peaceful, perfect people to ever schlep this planet. Anyone who thinks or speaks to the contrary will get the stink eye and be called a hater. Indeed, all criticism of Christians should be banned, and those who bring up our foibles, draw unfavorable cartoons of us, and don’t parrot our squeaky-clean spin get branded as bigots or Christophobes and should be threatened with prison.

5. Footbaths are to be installed in whichever universities my brethren and I attend (at the public’s expense) because Jesus was into foot washing, so I want a footbath, dammit! And if this means tuition gets hiked up to provide this for all Christians on campus, well . . . tough. I don’t care. My feet must be ritually washed, or Jesus gets angry—and when he gets angry, people die.

6. Any video games that Sony or whoever puts out that might accidentally offend Christians must be 86’ed. However, if other religions get offended via video it’s okay, just as long as my flavor ain’t disssed, can you dig it?

7. We must receive exemptions from the IRS from paying interest on back taxes because that’s against Christianity.

8. When the Christian church accidentally yields up a violent vocal dillweed from our ranks who hates America and is on the State Department’s terrorist watch list, instead of throwing that loopy bastard in prison we demand that the U.S. Army make him a sergeant. Capice?

9. Encourage the Christian high school student who wants to assassinate our President by giving him the “Most Likely to Become a Martyr” award during graduation.

10. Make students in the public school system who don’t believe in Jesus memorize portions of the Gospel of John, adopt Christian names and shout in the classroom, “I love Jesus, yes I do. I love Jesus. How ‘bout you?!” Continued...