Detergent Church

(di-tur-juhnt church)

- noun

A church whose sole purpose is to purge the skid marks sin has left on man’s soul and our society.

Biblical Christianity (operative word: biblical), lived and worked out in real time, has always been a life-stoking blessing in whatever land it took root (no matter what your long tooth lesbian Marxist professor says).

Historically speaking, when the church was healthy and righteous the nation it was in eventually prospered in muchos ways. However, when the “saints” started getting scripturally cross eyed, converted to the whims of culture and became lax in regard to God’s moral maxims, then what used to be a source of salt and light morphed into a font of slop and tripe and officially became a part of God’s—and that nation’s—problem. In my quasi-humble opinion that’s where I think a massive slice of the American church stands (or sits), namely in the way versus leading the way.

In last week’s column I tossed out my demented two cents/10 points into the thought fray as to what I think would help the church cease to stink and thus cause our nation to maybe, just maybe, continue to be the great experiment it is. Here’s a recap . . .

1. Get men who dig being rowdy back in the pulpit.

2. Could we have some sound doctrine, por favor?

3. Preach scary sermons (at least every fourth one).

4. Get rid of 99.9% of “Christian” TV.

5. Quit trying to be relevant and instead become prophetic contrarians, I’m talking contra mundus, mama!

6. Put a 10-year moratorium on “God wants you rich” sermons (yeah, that’s what we need to hear nowadays, you morons, more sermons about money, money, money!).

7. Embrace apologetics and shun shallow faith.

8. Evangelize like it’s 1999.

9. Push lazy Christians to get a life or join a Satanic Church.

10. Demand that if a Christian gets involved in the arts that their “craft” must scream excellence and not excrement.

Having covered point one in last week’s column, here are three more shots across the shoddy bow of the crippled church:

2. Could we have some sound doctrine, por favor? You won’t hear the book of Jude quoted by most postmodern pastors nowadays, but you will hear them discuss the song, “Hey, Jude.” Why? Well, because it’s cool, baby and the PoMo church is all about being cool! Oh, and of course, feelings. Nothing more than feelings.

So, why is sound doctrine being shunned in “churches” today like Jenna Jameson would be at a Jim Dobson BBQ? Well, it’s simple folks: truth divides. Truth will cost a pastor people, possibly his Porsche and . . . and . . . it might leave him . . . (I’m gonna say it) . . . unpopular. Many ministers fear unpopularity more than God.

Yep, for the sake of praise, pacification, and cash a lot of pastors/churches will prostitute their calling and blow off declaring God’s whole counsel because on the whole it’s costly. Therefore, for the bootlick church, it’s bye-bye to the real Christ and his hard sayings, adios muchachos to the acidic aspects of the apostles, and it’s “don’t let the door hit you in the butt” to the kill joy prophets. Continued...