It seems as if following the guidance of the sexual revolutionaries of the ‘60s, American Pie, Superbad, Paris and Pam has brought about a veritable venereal tsunami of which our teens are now drowning in the disease-laden wake.

Imagine that.

Who’d a thunk that going indiscriminately nuts with your ‘nads would end in anal warts, barrenness, a cauliflowered and inflamed penis, blown ovaries, ruined-for-life fallopian tubes, cervical cancer and a premature death? Wow. Who saw that comin’?

Y’know, I thought we could do whatever we wanted to sexually and the god of these goof balls, the latex condom, would save us all, baby. It’s weird that with all the condoms in use today that STDs have not diminished but have rather skyrocketed. That’s freaky. We all had so much hope in that $1.00 thin sheath of lambskin.

I guess the condom commandos didn’t figure on new STDs showing up and ruining their party. Yes, the industrious little venereal buggers of the 21st century have found a way around the pesky rubber.

One polyurethane circumventor is the human papilloma virus (HPV). This dog is highly contagious and spreads via skin to skin contact as well as through secretions. Unless you get a HazMat suit you’re at risk now if you’re going to be a sexual player. Good luck.

For this pain-dealer there is no medication, no treatment that will eliminate this virus and HPV is responsible for 99.7% of all cervical cancer and the deaths of 5,000 women each year. And most victims have no symptoms (just 1% develop genital warts) and no idea they have it until it solidly has them.

Young person…let me ask you a blunt question: is getting off with whomever/whenever worth getting offed by an STD? Can’t you wait ‘til you find some non disease-riddled person you love and stick with them? Is the need so intense that potentially dying for the big “O” is cool with you? If so, you need to dial down and get focused. Love yourself a tad more. Get a vision. Find God. Play Yahtzee or something because your obsession could come around and bite you in the butt, literally.

Here’s my last word for the teenager: Nobody on the abstinence side of the sex spectrum is trying to keep you from having fun. We’re just trying to keep you alive so that when you meet the right person and get married you can have a healthy sex life with no regrets, diseases, infertility or untimely death, that’s all. And yes, it’s come down to that. The sexual revolution is over, and we all lost. In this, your day, my young friend, there is a very real pay day for buying the BS our sex-obsessed culture is selling you. This is the hand you’ve been dealt. Be afraid.

And finally for mom and dad: Get Dr. Meg Meeker’s new book Your Kids at Risk: How Teen Sex Threatens Our Sons and Daughters. This book is one of the most frightening and sobering books I’ve read lately. You will be chilled to the bone. If your GACF (Give a Crap Factor) is remotely engaged regarding your children then this book is a must-read. Be ready to be freaked out. Not only will Dr. Meeker sufficiently wake you up to the STD epidemic that is upon us, but she will simultaneously give you the wherewithal to help you help yours not be a part of the crotchal carnage.

One other thing—and don’t tell anybody I told you to do this—but if you don’t have anything to do this weekend, why don’t you Google some STDs with your teen who might still be a little “iffy” about abstinence and check out the various photo galleries of the folks who followed the advice of our modern vice-meisters and played sexual roulette with their reproductive organs? It’s scary. Very scary. You will all be gobsmacked. It’s crude. It’s rude. It’s disgusting. But you know what…sometimes we need something that’ll just wake us the hell up.