Not every girl wants an education, a righteous vocation, respect from decent people, excellent health, a happy family and the enjoyment of a long and fulfilling life. With the advent of Anna Nicole Smith and her ilk, Girls Gone Wild and Internet Porn, it seems as if today’s ladies would rather be known for no panties, making out with their girlfriends at Coyote Ugly, snot slinging drunkenness and having their college orgies broadcast on YouTube. You go, girl. Show you’re right.

Get it right, you holier-than-thous: not all lassies want a well-thought-of life. So back off. Some girls are chomping at the bit to step into Anna Nicole’s bra and replace her as the next human freak show. And who are we to stop them?

Conservatives, and especially us Christians, should not judge people but rather help people fulfill their dreams—even if they are not our dreams. We must remember the 11th commandment of postmodernism, namely, “thou shalt not judge.” Yes, within the secular would-be world, it is forbidden to forbid. Put that on you’re refrigerator, you buckle-shoed killjoy.

So, instead of offering some legalistic and graceless judgmental blast towards those babes who are following (or wallowing) in Anna Nicole’s path, here instead are eight helpful tips to assist you ladies in Anna Nicole Smithing (ANS) your way through life. Are you ready? You are? Then let’s get busy!

1. You’ve gotta have a “To hell with education” mindset. For all you ANSers out there, let me help you. All you need, as a maximum, is an 8th grade edumication. That’s all. Barely finishing the 8th grade furnishes one with enough 411 to make retarded, irrevocable, life-demolishing decisions. So, just stop, drop and roll right there, girl. Anyway, everyone knows that 9th grade can be real yucky. With all that English blah, blah, blah . . . and the Algebra, crazy letter, math fraction whatever junk . . . and that PE stuff and the World Historizzle crap?!? Puh-leez. You don’t need all that, girlfriend. Hel-lo . . .

2. Wannabe ANSers, you must also blow off common sense and get married when you’re 17 to the first 16-year old fry cook you meet. This little brain fart will get you the heck away from the house and all those people who rain on your dream of being the center of the universe.

3. Next, to be an effective ANSer you’ve got to get an idol. I recommend choosing a deceased, drug abusing, divorced multiple times, lost soul known only for her looks, her promiscuity and her booze and dope dependency who died at a really young age as your god. Put her posters on your wall. Act like her. Have a plastic surgeon carve up your body to look like her. Then, go bonkers doing what you imagine she would do if she wouldn’t have OD’d on Nembutal. In addition, sell your soul down the river and fully employ your faculties to become recognized as an equal (or a better) ditz to the dead chick you worship. You must have a vision.

4. When earning minimum wage starts slapping you around, instead of getting an education, retooling and rethinking your multiple idiotic decisions, just start showing guys your boobies. You can begin wherever you are. You can make good money doing this. And we know life is all about money, don’t we? For instance, you can do this for cash in the break room at WalMart or next to the deep fryer at Krispy Fried Chicken (watch out for that hot grease, though!). Once you plow through decency and your conscience has decayed enough, I would then go public with your act. Look, your body is what God (if there is a God) gave you, so why shouldn’t you trade off of it? I can’t think of any reason why not to. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, right? Y’dam right. Continued...