Dad, do you want to ensure that your girl doesn’t end up broke, bulimic, married to Bobby Brown, or more bellicose than Courtney Love is after she’s run out of crack and booze? You do? Well, good for you.
Having been personally blessed with two beautiful niñas, it’s my duty (duh) to raise these fair lassies to be large and in charge. Which means (in today’s twisted sister culture) that as a father, I’ve got to help them strategically and energetically paddle up the heavy rapids of a stinky creek.
Having been semi-successful with my Xena-like teenage tornadoes (and being the nice guy that I am), I want to accomplish several things with this column . . . my Manifesto for Raising Girls That Pimps and Thugs Will Hate: I want to encourage the dads who are doing their due diligence. I’d also like to inform other fathers who’re groping for some moral rutter. And last on my list, I’d like to thump in the skull the dufus dads who are abnegating their responsibility to protect their girls and to make sure they’re properly prepared for life.
Having covered points one (Teach Them How to Fight) and two (Teach Them How to Shoot Guns) in my last two columns (click my Pix for my archives), herewith are the remaining eight points that’ll help your heiresses eat idiots for lunch.
3. Teach Them How to Sense BS. Princeton Philosophy professor Harry Frankfurt states, “One of the most salient features of our culture is that there is so much bullsh*t." Call it non-sense, truth bending, reality styling, Mark Foley-itus, mendacity, Air America or whatever, you do not need to be the coldest beer in the fridge to recognize that lies, hype and spin are now seeing more action than Bill Clinton would at the Hooters in Little Rock. Now granted, most gobbledygook is harmless. However, some BS is disastrous. Case in point: the amorous, nauseous oozings that a Joran Van der Sloot excreted, and that were, unfortunately, bought by Natalie Holloway. Not discerning this Dutch dillweed’s depravity cost Natalie her life.
Speaking of Natalie and bad dates: Girls, if ‘red flags’ start going off in your head, your skin begins to crawl up your arm and your gut revolts against your eyes and ears—then you might want to pay attention to what your body and your intuition are telling you.
Yes, your sixth sense is trying to tell you there is something awry with Mr. Nice Guy. Don’t blow off this in-house salvo; rather, get well acquainted with your internal ticker. It’ll help you see through the veil of crap most bad guys live behind.
4. Teach Them How to Rebel. Dad, having a girl with a well whetted BS detector is not enough. Sometimes, when the twaddle is egregious, you’ve got to teach your little darling to revolt against the purveyors of it. I think the greatest need for rebels with a cause is within the homes of families who have traditional American values. Most families of faith are simply way too nice.
Nice dad, if you’re going to send your daughter to a state run university, then you’ve got to teach your lass to not just sit there in class being a good girl and taking whatever the secular “progressives” shove down her throat. You must teach to her to deftly defy defunct dogmas and not turn a blonde eye to bad ideas.
Yeah, traditional father, teach your girl to feel proud and comfortable with not being a communist, with believing in God, with our nation’s spiritual heritage and with not having her genitals turned into a campus Jiffy Lube.
5. Teach Them How to Be Classy (That’s mostly my wife’s job.) Look, I’m all for girls being Tom-boy rough around the edges. I like an earthy woman. My youngest daughter can burp so loud that it shakes a whole restaurant. It is quite amazing. That said, dad, keep your girls from being as gross as men are allowed to be. Men are supposed to be semi-vile beasts. Not you ladies.
Girls have now been liberated to be just as vulgar as men are. Girls, don’t try to be as base as us. We suck. It’s the feminine difference that keeps us in line. Your grace and mystery keep us in balance. Therefore, be prettier, daintier and more honorable—and we’ll conquer the planet for you. By being elegant and tasteful, you give us a reason to clip our braidable nose hairs, to learn which fork to use at dinner and to stop scratching our polyps when we’re in public. Let your girl know, however, that not being a gross, rowdy and disgusting slut might cause her to not get invited to every keg party. But she shouldn’t sweat it, because her tastefulness will cause her to excel in life and land her a worthy man.
6. Teach Them to Despise Anti-Intellectualism. The Beatles are credited with mainstreaming drugs more quickly than anyone else within the West. I credit Paris Hilton and the rest of her lockstep, anti-intellectual, ogling ilk for making it cool to be a credulous clod. Young girl, listen: Paris can afford to own dumb. Paris is filthy rich and has a lot of lawyers retained. If you follow her moronic lead and stay daft, well . . . all I can say is, “I hope you like eating government cheese and living in a van down by the river.”
Dad, provide your girl with a killer library covering a variety of topics. Start with the easy to read version of the Bible. Then get her everything R.C. Sproul’s written on Theology. After that, line the shelves with biographies of productive world shakers. Then get a good tome that overviews the major philosophers/philosophies. In addition, stack her shelves with world history books and the history of the West. Last but not least, stock the Classics. If you provide these pithy works and encourage your girl to imbibe deeply on them, I guarantee you won’t have to worry about your daughter drinking bong water with Tara Reid while clubbing on South Beach.
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