One way to be certain that you never get a life is to continue to blame others for why you haven’t accomplished anything yet. Yes, blame shifting is a non-negotiable if you want to lock in misery.

For those finding it hard and somewhat silly to affix blame on others, let me assist you. Try this: If you had a rough childhood, or possibly were even rejected in the womb, then magnify that and milk it for everything it’s worth and use it to have people forever pity you and never expect anything from you.

Think about how many miles you can get from blaming others. Float this turd the next time people come around you and expect something out of you. Tell them your parents neglected you and that they did not pay enough attention to you and your silly antics while you were growing up because they were obsessing, as Dennis Miller said, “on stupid things like putting food on the table and keeping a roof over your head.”

Y’know what I’d do if I were you? I’d write hate poems about them and show up at Barnes and Noble during their “Open Mike” night and skewer your parents publicly with a carpy little psycho poem. That’ll show ‘em.

Also, your bad behavior may be caused by low blood sugar. If it is, or if you think that it possibly could be the reason, then ride this little hobbyhorse away from accountability and blame all your bad behavior on the fact that you didn’t have your daily dozen sugar packs.

Another thing to think about if you’re having a problem making money is that it’s probably President Bush’s fault. Yeah, Bush is to blame for why you can’t pay the rent on that crack house you call home. That’s right, even though everyone else is prospering all around our nation (even illegal aliens!), and they are prospering during the War on Terror no less, somehow, just somehow, you’re being adversely financially affected. It’s got to be, got to be, Bush and Cheney’s fault. Man, don’t you hate them?

In addition to believing that your crazy lack of cash is Bush’s doing, you ought to also consider another possible reason why you’re cashless: those blind employers can’t see your hidden genius or your amazing talents; it’s their lack of prophetic insight into your superstar qualities that’s making you move back home to live with your 60 year old mommy.

Yes, whether you blame the President, myopic business owners or anyone else, the root cause of your denari deficiency certainly has nothing to do with your ridiculous absence of personal ambition, your zero level of creativity, your staggering stupidity or your being the biggest, whiny and nauseating, nerve grating pain in the butt to work with.

And please, please, you mustn’t allow yourself to feel bad when you see people in our country rise from poverty, debilitating setbacks, personal injuries, diseases or truly horrible familial situations to succeed in life. The way to keep this reality from freakin’ you out is to renew your mind with the fact that they’re just lucky, and it’s all about chance and not persistent hard work in a noble direction. Everyone knows that.

Are you a Christian? Well, you can be a big time loser, as well. The under achievers needn’t be just in the secular realm . . . the saints, too, can lead a sucky life. “How?” you might ask.

It is easy.

Fist of all, blame the devil for all your mistakes and failures. Truly, Satan is a great scapegoat for all your goofy crap. Why does the Wicked One work so well as a source of blame? Well, he is evil, and we all know he tempts; and therefore, he is a great candidate for culpability for all your SNAFU’s.

Never mind the detail that you’re such a sap that Satan wouldn’t even think about wasting his personal time tempting you (he’s busy working with Osama in some cave in North West Pakistan).

Secondly, don’t forget Christian, you also have at your disposal this bad ole’ world to fault for all its seductive evilness. If you’ve over used Satan as the source of your sad lot in life, try switching off sometimes and blaming the godlessness of the unwashed world as the raison d'être for why you live on your pimpled rear.

Keep believing that the devil and the world are the primary and secondary causes for your continuous lapsing and lackluster life. What a weight off your shoulders, eh, Christian? It’s the society’s fault and the devil’s responsibility that you’ve been coerced to live in the warm wet womb of Wussville.

Thirdly, and I almost forgot this one Mr. and Mrs. Dial Tone, you can blame your church and your pastor for not pampering your tush or coddling your little life long enough or strong enough.

If your minister would have paid more attention to you, if he would have said ‘hello’ more often to you, if he would have preached more messages that would minister to you, if he would have allocated more money from the benevolence fund towards your needs, and if he would have promoted you to a place of leadership because of your extreme spiritual giftedness and hidden character qualities, you wouldn’t be out partying tonight, high on ecstasy, drinking Budweiser, and trying to hook up with some skank. Yes, it is because of the devil, the world, and the church/pastor that you are a vacant lot.

In order to get personal mayhem maximized in the religious sphere, the Christian must never believe that he is remotely guilty for being wrong, and he must disbelieve the plethora of biblical passages that promise victory over demonic deception, ascendancy over an acidic society, and that responsibility for one’s spiritual growth is, primarily, the person’s duty.

In wrapping up my earnest attempt to help you affix failure to your funk, remember this: you can never let the thought cross your mind that you actually have a say in what happens to your life. Commit to your personal credo that you have no capability or responsibility to change yourself and live by your plan, not the prescription of others.

Do not entertain the thought that you can pursue happiness. Stay away from biographies, movies, music and narratives that show people overcoming way worse crud than you have had to shovel. Beware of people who have blown off what others have done to them and what others think of them, and have, in spite of all odds, accomplished worthy goals—because that could possibly empower you to quit being a weasel.

Bear in mind that accomplishment is a communicable disease that can transfer from people and can be inspired through film, music and literature. So beware whom you hang around, as well as what you watch, read and listen to. You don’t want greatness anywhere around you.

I have generally found that a man who is good at manufacturing excuses is good at nothing else.

- Benjamin Franklin

* ClashRadio.com has been upgraded! We have added several new features to our talk show such as: Skunk Boy's "Evolution's Holdover", Dr. Full's "You can be a Loser". In addition, Giles has a new :60 spot called "Hey, Monkey Butt", and a ten minute "Growth Stimulant" session for personal oomph.