In May of ‘05 I began a series of articles where I unveiled the secrets of achieving a hideous subsistence.  Because of my adult ADHD, long afternoon deep-REM-delirium naps, a kudu hunt and ogling the Westley Richards’ website way too much, I was derailed from revealing the final three keys to a cruddy life. 

Thanks to the gentle goading of my advisory counsel comprised of the Indian in Jim Morrison’s visions, Courtney Love and an imaginary friend I call “Skunk Boy,” I am back on track.  Below are the previously covered Se7en of the 10 Habits of Decidedly Defective People.

1. Be a slacker
2. Blame others
3. Embrace hopelessness
4. Follow others mindlessly
5. Be a wet blanket
6. Hang out with morons
7. Be a self obsessed me-monkey

Herewith is the eighth key to crippling your existence:  Stand for Nothing.

Historically, effective people, who have shaped society for the better, have been people of conviction.  Since you’ve determined to be a decidedly defective dupe, you must avoid standing for truth the same way Mary Kate and Ashley eschew food.  Yes, conviction, taking your stance for time-tested verities, has been known to cause nations to change and people to prosper and since your goal is to be a troll, feckless compliance is a foundational key to unlock mediocrity’s door.

I must warn you as you set out to embrace the chameleon’s life:  being spineless and an ardent “yes man” will initially bring you favor and, therefore, it will bring you some measure of success.  But don’t fear.  Your success will be limited and very short lived, and you’ll quickly be forgotten.  So don’t sweat it if, in your pursuit of pusillanimity, you see growth, as it is only temporary success that will not strangle your long term desires for dearth. 

Anyway, back to being a doormat.  To skirt the victory that comes with being bold in your beliefs there are a couple of things you must put between your cheek and gum and chew.  First off, you must deeply believe that nothing is worth fighting for, much less, dying for.  Work this mantra into your mind:  peace is always preferable to conflict—even if the times demand an ideological or physical throw down. 

Lock your soul’s sights on being a survivor and not a warrior.  Never mind that surviving is sometimes the worst thing that can happen to you when the situation calls for you to do something sacrificial that might cost you a party invitation or a pound of flesh.

Segueing off the “survival at all costs” motif, of necessity, the capitulator must quickly learn to become an excellent kisser of the gluteus maximus.  You’ve got to get good at this if you want to shed from your soul every ounce of dignity.  Dignity, forthrightness and the determination to stand-alone and oppose that which is wrong will hurt your desires for a defective life.  If this stuff somehow becomes part of your MO . . . well . . .  you’re doomed; eventually you would become something, and we don’t want that to happen, do we? Continued...