When I hear John Kerry and John Edwards try to pawn off on the American public that they are defenders of middle class Americans? veritable ubermen for us struggling underdogs ? yes, advocates of our values, fears and needs.  I wonder, what time does The Three Stooges come on? 

I?m not buying their rhetoric or the happy, hugging and grinning, let?s eat at Wendy?s shtick they threw our way last week either.  What did they expect us to do when we viewed their temporary make over?  Elbow our wife and say, ?Look Arlene, they?re just like us, they eat at Wendy?s!  Garsh ? we oughta vote for them ? pass the opossum gravy!?!?

Did you see how Kerry held his Wendy?s hamburger?  He looked and handled that Single with cheese like a beaker of someone else?s urine.  Hey, Mr. Kerry, we might earn less in a year than the one of the bathrooms in your four mansions cost, but that doesn?t make us blonde.

And what is up with the all the hugging and all the high five-ing Kerry and Edwards are forcing on us?  What is this: a new Friends episode?  Is this the official Ross and Chandler run for the White House?  What?s next?

How about this, to make us middle class morons vote for you in droves: you both go on Diane Sawyer and do a soft-focus, moist-eyed interview about the trials you face as multi-millionaires.  That?ll slay us.

Evidently, not too many people fell under their overly orchestrated spell at the convention in Boston, at least not too many newcomers. The projected Kerry/ Edwards post-convention spring in the polls had all the bounce of an 87 year old Sumo wrestler with a bad hip.

As hard as they try and, dear God, they are trying hard ? Kerry and Edwards, just don?t have that mid-American feel.

Take John Edwards, for instance: no real person smiles that much.  Middle Americans don?t beam that bountifully.  Neither Jesus nor kids stoned on expensive weed grin that much. Only avaricious ambulance chasing lawyers, running for vice president and trying to off set their Lurch-like presidential running mate, smile that much.  This grinning Edwards reminds me of the overly gleeful guy who sold me a ?75 Firebird back in ?79, which turned out to be a complete piece of crap.  And be sure of this: John Edwards is to Dick Cheney what Potsie was to the Fonz.  The debates should prove interesting. 

Then we have Kerry?s esposa, Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry.  Her name alone screams Middle America doesn?t it?  The guy who convinced Kerry to prop up his wife at the DNC should be simultaneously slapped by the Democrats and celebrated by the Republicans.  Watching and hearing Teresa ooze made me think I was at the Whiskey a Go-Go in the late ?60?s listening to the front poet before Grace Slick took the stage.  Is it possible Jim Morrison had a secret sister? 

All the writers for the X-Files, Half-Baked, Evita and The Twilight Zone could never have dreamed up Teresa Heinz Kerry.  She?s neither Middle America nor middle earth.  Her billion bequeathed dollars that fund some of the most liberal loopy organizations scream to the rest of us, ?We really have nothing in common with you?. I hate to admit it, but watching Tessy the other night actually made me long to see and hear Hillary again.  At least she?s decipherable in her deportment.  Madame Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious represents the peripheral liberals of the ludicrous left ? not middle class Americans. 

Hollywood, also, is working hard trying to get Kerry elected.  Here?s another Kerry support group that really mirrors the wants of us common folk, right?  My question to the Average Joe out there is: should Middle America be swayed in the voting booth by the most narcissistic people on the planet?  The fact that Whoopi Goldberg, Janeane Garofalo and Eddie Vedder support Kerry should tip the traditional Middle American off to the fact that they should politically lean in the opposite direction. 

Ah, Hollywood with it?s swinging clubs and Hustler superstores: where statutory rapists can win an Oscar, where the famous can send their kids to elite high schools where they may attend cross dressing classes, where nannies have support groups to deal with the stress these charmed few generate, and where the head of a prostitution ring can crawl out of prison and be an instant celebrity?.  Yes, Middle America, I think we should follow these luminaries.  Why?  Well ? because ? uh ? because ? they are on TV! Continued...