CBS, [which seems these days to stand for Central BS] and its rogue nephew MTV [Mush-head television] thought that the ?supposed? homunculus, testosterone-fog laden? belly scratchin?? beer swillin?? Super Bowl XXXVIII crowd would lap up their 30 minute? hackneyed? half time show.

Boy, did these supercilious soft porn distributors misjudge their market. It?s all particularly strange, because, in all fairness, the pre-game festivities started off great.

Josh Groban, a talented young man who can actually sing, wowed the audience with a reverent tribute to the space shuttle Columbia crew who were killed upon re-entry one year ago this month.

Then, Beyonce, a very talented young soul who can actually croon without the aid of a BOSE Voice Transformer, made our skin tingle with patriotic pride as she poured out her heart singing The Star Spangled Banner.

The pre-game show was a warm, transcendent moment of pride, vision and respect for freedom, by really gifted performers, and it was cut short by a tasteless half time ?performance.?

Sadly, the Super Bowl devolved at half time to a Toilet Bowl full of paltry bumps and grinds, completely obliterating the outstanding pre-game performances.

Let?s check out [Yawn]? the Usual Suspects.

Nelly ... what can we say about Nelly that his gold teeth don?t already say? Well, Nelly believes that if it gets a little stuffy in a room, then all the women should take off all their clothes. Hey, Nelly! How about clicking the AC on for the ladies and letting them keep their Old Navy on?

PDiddy. What?s up with the frequent name change? Are you some kind of hip hop version of Simon Templar? P-Sean-Jean-Puffy-Puff-Daddy-Diddy, please help us uncool people out here. Are you Sean Jean or Puff Daddy or Puffy or PDiddy? Are you running from the law? Is that the root cause of your multinomial nomenclature? If it is, then you might want a name that?s not so closely associated with one of your other aliases.

Oh, and by the way, talking is not singing. And doing jumping jacks and running across the stage is not dancing ? that?s calisthenics.

Kid Rock? Two words for the Kid: buy soap. Also, you might want to think twice about wearing the flag as a poncho. A few people, like a few million war veterans, think it?s, uhh, highly inappropriate. If you get chilly while you perform, just go to Outdoor World and get a Gore-tex rain slicker.

Then we come to the Darwin Award winners for 2004, namely, Janet and Justin.

Let?s take Justin first. Justin? cut the crap on the ?I didn?t know that was going to happen? stuff. You yanked on her bra. What did you think was going to pop out? Carrot Top? Here?re a couple of tips: Continued...