Q. I've made some mistakes with people that I work with and I know they don't trust me now. I've been undergoing some coaching and can see what I did and I'd like to fix it. Is there any hope of repairing damaged workplace relationships?

A. Yes, mental health professionals have been studying the science of forgiveness for many years. We now know there are three concrete steps to fixing damaged relationships.

--Recognition (inner and outer understanding you've screwed up)

--Remorse (acknowledging the damage)

--Reparation (actions that repair the damage)

No one at work will give you a second chance if you don't follow these three steps. Many people think that saying, "I'm sorry," cleans up a mistake. The truth is that even if most people appreciate an apology they would rather hear your plan to not repeat the mistake again.

To start a forgiveness process, go to each person you've hurt and tell them you know you messed up. Give examples of what you did and how you believe you affected each coworker. Then express remorse about your behavior (realize you cannot fake remorse -- if you don't feel it, you aren't ready to have this chat). Lastly, give each coworker your concrete plan to fix what you broke.

Make sure you tell each coworker that you realize you may not be able to repair the damage and that you may have permanently undermined their trust in you. Tell them that you know it is up to you to prove that you have changed your ways. Also be gracious in letting them know that you know you're not entitled to forgiveness. Continued...