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Sunday, August 09, 2009
Daneen Skube :: Townhall.com Columnist
Is Conflict Proof of Mistake?
by Daneen Skube
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Q. I've taken a new job with a coworker who consistently shirks responsibility. Other team members habitually pick up his workload and look the other way. When he asks me to do his work, I refer him back to our boss. He is now furious, glares constantly, and makes mean-spirited remarks. Was there a way to avoid his wrath? A. No, there are battles you can avoid at work and battles you must fight if you are going to be effective. There is no way you can set a boundary with an irresponsible bully and have him write you a thank you note. I often have clients who believe that if they learn every toolkit I teach they will never again have conflict at work. Some clients even seek me out because they hope I can teach them the magical secret that guarantees no one will ever be angry with them again. I end up needing to break the difficult news to these clients that sometimes being effective requires dealing with angry reactions from others -- especially when you are dealing with people who have learned to use anger to get what they want. Nobody enjoys having people mad at him or her. Human beings naturally feel physically and emotionally at risk when conflict arises. Unfortunately, the only way we can avoid all conflict is to be nothing, do nothing and risk nothing. The trick to becoming relatively comfortable with anger is to realize that the anger of others isn't personal. Your coworker, for instance, isn't uniquely mad at you. He doesn't know you well enough to be mad at you. He is simply mad that you have the nerve to treat him like a grownup. When you refer him back to your boss, he is unable to manipulate you. You have called his bluff by pointing out that your boss assigns your work and not him. Of course, he is disappointed that you would rather get your own work done than make him happy. Over a long career, we all have a choice to have rich, productive, and lucrative careers or to be perfectly popular. Consider for a moment the people you admire in the world. Do they choose popularity or effectiveness? No matter how carefully, diplomatically and skillfully you handle other people, when they don't get what they want from you they may be angry. You need to validate their disappointment, repeat your decision and stand your ground. This will not always make you well liked but it will make you effective. Will you chose your own peace of mind or the constant approval of others -- there are few choices that will influence your life more profoundly! Q. I keep hearing about the "jobless recovery" of the recession. Should I give up looking for a job? A. No, companies are still hiring. The only way you guarantee failure is to stop trying.
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About The Author

Daneen Skube Ph.D. is director of Interpersonal Edge

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