Yes, a nun. Let me walk you through that scene. Better yet, I'll have another kind of critic -- the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights -- do this for you.

"The opening scene of the pilot shows Hank entering a Catholic Church, smoking a cigarette. He drops the butt in the holy water font, walks up to the altar and begins a conversation with Jesus on the crucifix. A nun approaches him, and Hank begins telling her about his writer's block in foul language. The nun responds that she would normally tell him to say the Lord's Prayer as penance for his cursing. In this case, however, she decides to offer him oral sex. Hank puts up his hand to block Jesus' view as the nun begins to perform the act. At this point, he wakes up with another woman, revealing the church scene to be merely a dream."

The dialogue in this scene is equally graphic, with both the writer and the nun dropping obscenities in front of the altar with wild abandon. After he states he's having a crisis of faith, she responds, "Well, normally I would suggest a bunch of 'Our Fathers' or a couple of 'Hail Marys.' But I don't think that's going to get it done. What about a (oral sex)?"

That's what passes for "droll dialogue" that creates "a funny, revealing and painfully true moment" at Newsday. That's the kind of scene that makes "Californication" "one of the best shows of the year" in the eyes of NPR.

But all those other critics are no better, really. Not a one of them condemned or -- and with the exception of Newsday -- even mentioned this blatant display of anti-Christian bigotry, insulting to the core the Catholic Church. There simply isn't anything offensive enough here to warrant a television critic's attention.

Which is why these television reviews say more about the critics than the shows they are critiquing.