Oh, reader, the sacrifices I make for thee. Like the way I put my hand on the sacred wireless mouse and clicked on a checkbox, swearing I "would like to receive special offers and promotions from Dale Carnegie Training."

Yes, reader, I have subjected myself to a lifetime of uplifting spam simply for the sake of downloading a free copy of "Dale Carnegie's Golden Book," billed as "a practical no nonsense step-by-step guide that will improve your ability to communicate with others and manage co-workers, your boss and other business relationships."

Now that I have my hot little hands on the volume in question, not only can I use my newfound power to cloud the minds of managers and co-workers, but also I can share these arcane secrets with you. Now you, too, can bend bosses to your will, and transform colleagues into mindless slaves dedicated to obeying your slightest whim.

(No need to thank me. Just deposit a few Benjamins into my Cayman Islands account when your supervisor brings you a latte in the morning and asks if there's anything else she can do for you, like rush back to the coffee cart for a buttered scone.)

Unfortunately, the actual content of the "Golden Book" is somewhat different than the collection of workplace spells and incantations I had expected. Perhaps I am too cynical, but the first golden secret is a suggestion that you "become a friendlier person."

According to Carnegie you become friendlier by becoming "genuinely interested in other people"; by being a "good listener"; and by making "the other person feel important," a transformation that you must accomplish "sincerely."

I suppose this all makes sense and I know you'd be perfectly willing to do it, just as long as you actually didn't have to listen to the trivial blather your co-workers spew all day long. And I do mean that sincerely.

Listening to Anthrax on your iPod while you pretend to be sincere would be one relatively painless way to perform your listening duties, but it might be noticed, even by your dimwitted colleagues. I suggest you purchase a used hearing aid on eBay and start wearing it to work. You don't need to turn it on. Your naturally baffled expression will sell the story, especially if you randomly request, "Could you please speak louder. It's really interesting, sincerely" Continued...