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Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Betsy Hart :: Townhall.com Columnist
There needs to be a middle ground on mothering
by Betsy Hart
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Will the Dems' health care Christmas Present to America be an improvement or detriment to our health care system?


"Fewer Mothers Prefer Full-time Work" blared the headline of the recent Pew Research Center study.

As the respected Pew folks put it, "In the span of the past decade, full-time work outside the home has lost some of its appeal to mothers."

And the punch line would be ... Duh?

To paraphrase the findings: among working mothers with children ages 17 or under, only 21 percent say such work is the "ideal situation" for them. That's down from the 32 percent who said full-time work was the ideal back in 1997. Sixty percent of today's working mothers say part-time work would be their first choice, a quarter more than agreed with that statement in 1997. Another 19 percent say they would prefer not working at all outside the home.

Among stay-at-home moms, almost half say that not working at all is their ideal, about an 18 percent increase from those who said so in 1997.

"Preferences" and "real life necessity" don't always match up, of course, but lest some cynic argue that "no one wants to work if they don't have to," the same study showed that 72 percent of dads find working full time to be their ideal and only 12 percent said part-time work would be their first choice.

So this leaves us with:

A) It's not rocket science to discover that women want to be at home much or most of the time with their kids or, to paraphrase writer Danielle Frum, a lot of women have figured out that it's no "achievement" to decide things can be boring and difficult at home and trade that in, only to find out that things can be boring and difficult at work.

And yet:

B) There is this mythology that moms since the beginning of time have been spending three hours of floor time daily with Junior. The reality is, Mom was home — but she was typically working to sustain that home, and Junior was occupying himself, playing with siblings or just padding after her if not doing his own work.

And my own observation:

C) In our modern society of more convenient living and fewer children, some at-home moms today do have — dare I say it? — a lot of time on their hands, and they fill it by pouring themselves and their time and energy into their kids, or into controlling their kids, in a way that's probably not healthy for anyone.

Have you ever noticed it's typically not the mother of four or five kids who says, "I don't have time to go to the bathroom by myself"? No, it's more often the mom of one or two kids.

This isn't an exhortation to have lots of kids. It's an observation that when we moms are forced to be more "hands-off" because there aren't enough hands, the kids tend to occupy themselves or each other just fine. I think that's a good thing.

So it seems to me that:

D) Over-mothering "alpha" moms may be as unhealthy for kids as the guilty workaholic parents who spoil their child. The dreaded "helicopter parent" can come from either home.

The pendulum on work preferences for moms may be swinging "back" to being in the home. And I think that's great. But let's not idolize that situation, either. How about a middle ground? I've long thought it just makes great sense for almost any mom to find at least something, even if it's volunteer work, that she can do on a part-time basis and forces her to say, at least sometimes to her little one: "Honey, I'm busy."

I remember my own mom pursuing a master's degree when I was very young. I saw that her heart, her "center," was in her home. But I also saw her passion for learning and knowledge, and that she had a life outside — or rather, besides — her five kids. Her identity wasn't wrapped up in us.

There are some folks who think the latter really isn't OK. I would remind them that even the biblical, celebrated wife and mother of Proverbs 31 fame was out buying land and selling garments, according to the text.

We moms do well to remind ourselves and our children, in some fashion, that work in itself is a good thing. After all, it was in the Garden of Eden before the fall.

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About The Author
Betsy Hart is a nationally syndicated columnist for the Scripps Howard News Service. Her column on cultural and family issues, “From the Hart,” is distributed each week to hundreds of newspapers cross the country. Betsy’s first book, "It Takes a Parent: How the Culture of Pushover Parenting is Hurting out Kids – and What to do About It," was released in September, 2005, and was a top seller for its publisher, Putnam Books.
Good analysis
I would say, as a working mom who was once a stay-at-home mom, that most of the stay-at-home moms I know have too much time on their hands, but always insist they couldn't possibly find time to do something useful outside the home. Ask them to clean the church sometime or visit a sick old person or bag groceries at the local Food Bank. Oddly enough, in my circle of acquaintances, it's the working moms who take the leave time to do those things, but the stay-at-home moms always plead they are too busy. Like my at-home work load went away when I rejoined the work force? Puh-leeze!

Saving Money
Part of my mother being home was saving money. She had a garden, canned and froze a lot of food, made a lot of our clothes, and did a certain amount of repair work. She never played with my brother and I much, so we entertained ourselves. That's probably why neither of us has trouble entertaining ourselves now.

As a teacher, I definitely see the over mothered kids.

Some truth in what she says....
I was telling a friend that at times, being a stay-at-home wife/mom or both, can make you feel lazy. It feeds on insecurities and demands that society and self whisper in your ear.

I know that when I am at work, outside the home, my task get done, my job complete. While I am at home, I find that I don't always make wise use of my time and I don't feel productive. Not from a lack of time, but a lack of organization, drive, and yes, accountabilty.

HOWEVER, I think this is a duel-edged concept ... When at home, if you don't have the perfect home (I.E. Martha Stewart or June Cleaver) you feel as though you fail. To attain those homes, you really have to dedicate every waking moment to homemaking. Some of us, myself included, are not naturally organized. You (I) tend to give up the fight before the battle has barely begun.

As to being a Mom, I have always felt, for better or worse, it was the parents' JOB to be the primary influence on their children. You can not do that if you are not there MORE than anyone else.

This does not mean spending hours on the floor with your children. It does mean that you are the one who settles debates, directs (from a distance) appropriate play, and who makes sure your children have time to use their minds, their imaginations, WITHOUT interference.

Yes, my house is a mess, toys from one corner to the other, but my kids have spent the whole afternoon in their own little world having free form play. My girls were not in a car dragged from preschool to activity and home . . . too tired to even read a book.

I agree with the jest of the survey... working some is nice, but being home primarily is, for me, necessity. . .EVEN when it means living on less income.

Children need someone at home
and not necessarily to play with them 24/7. Children should be left to their own devices enough for them to develop curiosity and creativity, but they need an adult presence for direction and security. Even mothers watching tv while children build blocks is that needed presence. Just showing up for dinner, superficially and all-too-relunctantly devoting a 1/2 hour "quality time" reading the same Dr. Suess book again before bedtime is not enough. Actually, sometimes two full-time incomes means a higher tax rate, more expenses for childcare to replace an absent parent, higher clothing costs, and greater food expenses for eating out and take-out eating in.

In this wonderful, perfect world we live in, women today luckily can probably work out whatever time they want to spend as a child raiser or paid employee. "Mr. Mom" aside, men have not quite ever achieved that variety of choices. (I am a mom.)

The narcissism in the extremes
As always, the devil lies in the extremes, with those extremes represented on one hand by those who delegate the rearing of their children entirely to somebody else--at times, to the children themselves--, and on the other by those who micromanage every aspect of their children's lives.

And yes, there are kids who are probably better off left to the care of someone besides Mommy Dearest, just as there are kids who actually need micromanagement, at least for a period of time.

The common denominator in both extremes is most often parental narcissism run amok. The needs of the child run a distant second to the wants (and fears) of the parent.

I think that the middle ground of which Betsy speaks will of necessity vary with individual families, but finding it requires the willingness to acknowledge that it’s not All About Me.

Welcome, Betsy!
When the Chicago Sun-Times seemed to have stopped running Betsy's columns, I was very sorry to lose her sage thoughts. Now, she is here at Townhall. Yippee!!!

Betsy understands that mothering (and fathering) requires walking the sensible middle ground of being available to one's children without smothering or neglecting them.

Those who were lucky enough to have sensible parents will emulate their own upbringing; the rest will have to figure out how to achieve the right balance. That's another reason why having two parents is a benefit to children because the parents can hammer out a design to fit their unique family needs.

Betsy, great column.
As with anything else in life, the middle-ground or moderation is usually preferable to either extreme (pointed out by mamadoc.)I do think the Pew study is interesting and I do believe the pendulum is moving from ultra-feminist ideology towards a more conservative view point. Parents have come to realize that all the pie in the sky promises of mothers working outside the home did not necessarily materialize and that image of a mom at home was not necessarily a horrible thing. Again, that middle ground.

As a mom who chose to work part time for years and stay home the rest I welcome this change. As a volunteer school helper I saw the kids who parents simply had little time for them (even if they gave them material things.)I also recognize the struggle for single parents who try to do it all. But I also recall a mother who arrived at school each year with a new baby from a different absent father...but that is another subject entirely.

aurorawatcher, while I find your post interesting, I would ask you to consider stay at home moms who have husbands that work and take call, own their own business, or travel unusual amounts of time. As to whether these moms are being selfish or not with their time is something only they know, and I would encourage not being judgmental. Just my opinion, plus my experience of having a husband who worked (and still works +60 hour weeks.)


Case by Case
Mothering and working are matters best decided on a case by case basis. A woman forced to stay home with children who responds with the enthusiasm of a prisoner on work detail is not going to do her children a bit of good; they soon realize that Mother is miserable and she blames them. Better that this kind of mother busy herself with the kind of work she enjoys and hire someone (or get a family member) who really wants to be with the kids. Worse still are the women who live through their children and look to their children to validate them and prove they are worthy. Jon Benet Ramsey comes to mind when watching some of these stage mothers rail at their children for not appreciating opportunities the children do not want.

The one thing that no woman will ever confide to other women is that motherhood is a gift and a talent like any other; it is NOT something hardwired into every woman, and if you are not talented or gifted in Mothercraft, this does not mean that you are defective any more than this judgement would fall on you for having two left feet, being tone deaf or finding mathematics beyond you. Child rearing is hard work for most of us, and if only women would admit this to one another, perhaps both mothers and children would be happier.

stay at homes
As a mostly stay-at-home mom, with 4 kids, I feel blessed to have had this opportunity. My kids are getting older now, and the need to be home and available seems to increase not decrease.

On the flip side....It's easy to waste a lot of time! Aurora is correct in her observation. Working moms have schedule built into their day. SAM's have to be very disciplined or we end up doing a whole lot of nothing and a little bit of everything.

dad's are important too
I'm a speech-language pathologist so I was blessed to be able to work part-time for our school system. My husband, a cop, had strange hours so we were able to work out a schedule where he was there when I was not. Best of both worlds for our kids. They are now (as of this year) headed off to college and even though I have a "career" I do feel as though a part of me is leaving too. For all those moms, it goes by way too fast, don't miss a minute if you don't have to.

What we need
is to keep our mouths shut about the parenting choices of other families.


consider this
Maybe the results of the Pew study are such as they are because these were people who grew up in homes where mom was not around. Maybe they realized it doesn't work well that way, and they decided they wanted better for their kids. Just a thought to consider.

growing up
My mom was an Army nurse before I came along; she separated to stay at home with me and eventually, my brother and sisters. Dad was an Army man, so we moved at least every 2-4 years, and having Mom at home was HUGE in giving us some extra stability. I never remember her being "bored" - she home-schooled all four of us up to high school, volunteered at church, was a "den mother" for my brother's boy scout pack, led Bible studies, cooked dinner every night, and made sure we each felt special and loved.

We were never her ENTIRE world, but we always knew we were at the center of it. To this day, she's my best friend, and I know a huge part of that is because of the effort she made as a career mommy. To those of you staying at home - it WILL be worth it!

Angelatc--Re: Keeping our mouths shut
Here's the problem with that suggestion:

When stay-at-home moms merely explain their choice by describing some of the benefits they've experienced by "being there" in some capacity or another, the working moms immediately get on the defensive:

"well, I am being there for my kids, too" or
"I care just as much as you do" or
"My children are just as good as yours are" or
"I am much more organized than you need to be"

Why is it when stay at home moms simply explain their choice, the working woman culture gets immediately offended and defensive?

I saw it again when I took a day off from work (yes--I work full time--with keen reluctance, even though my kids are grown and married). While cooking up crab-apple jelly, I turned on the TV, and Oprah was trying to have a balanced discussion with mothers who had made a variety of choices on this issue.

The full-time-at-home mothers spoke with gentle conviction about their choice. No judgement about others, just a description of their own reasons for their choice. "Good!" I thought. "A fair hearing, for once!" And the women who worked outside the home were wonderful in their initial presentations, too.

But then, the "debate" began. And the stay-at-home moms turned silent, as the family expert and Oprah and the working moms lectured the stay-at-home moms about being judgemental, about how we all have to make our own choices, and yours shouldn't make me feel uncomfortable about mine. "So much," I thought, "for that."

So--as a salary-earning mom and grandmother who is planning her return to the world of bringing crab-apple jelly to a lonely, elderly neighbor, and pitching in when a young mother is too sick to care for her child, I am prepared for the defnesive retort that I just "keep my mouth shut."

My reply? "Would you like some of my crabapple jelly?"

Excellent piece
Lost of truth in here. Won't make the far left or right very happy. But truth rarely does. Nice analysis.

Ph.D.,J.D.
with all your degrees and to think I get blasted as over educated! LOL!

Love it
There is so much truth in this column--I love it.
My style of mothering has always leaned towards being around and available. I don't try to "hover" over the kids and try to orchestrate every minute of their day, but I do want to be there for those teachable moments. I just never saw the logic in "quality time" since my experience has been that the best moments never occur during planned time with the girls, but rather happen "out of the blue". I'm just happy to have been here to experience them.

garageman, stop trolling
the TH forums just looking for a place to dump your garbage. Find another site like moveon where you will be right at home with all the other ugliness.
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