Or give a liberal a copy of Ann Coulter?s newest book, How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must): The World According to Ann Coulter. Ticking off leftists has never been such fun. Coulter is brutally sarcastic, bone-crunchingly vitriolic and unbelievably funny. Reading this collection of columns, you?ll review the last few years of American liberal craziness: from Clinton to Kerry, from Monica?s thong to Ted Kennedy?s swimming ability, from protecting terrorists to killing fetuses. Just remember not to read this while eating, because you might spit out your food. This applies to everyone except Michael Moore, who never spits out his food.

Fittingly, Coulter begins with a few tips on arguing with leftists. She reminds conservatives that arguing with liberals isn?t likely to end with a handshake: ?Liberals traffic in shouting and demagogy. In a public setting, they will work themselves into a dervish-like trance and start incanting inanities: ?BUSH LIED, KIDS DIED!? ?RACIST!? ?FASCIST!? ?FIRE RUMSFELD!? ?HALLIBURTON!? Fortunately, the street performers usually punch themselves out eventually and are taken back their parents? house.?

Coulter?s strategy: fight fire with fire. Except make your fire intelligible and well-reasoned. Make sure to anger liberals, because watching them explode is fun: ?If the liberal you?re arguing with doesn?t become speechless with sputtering, impotent rage, you?re not doing it right. People don?t get angry when lies are told about them; they get angry when the truth is told about them.? Her strategy is working; on Amazon.com, liberal reviewers have swarmed like lice from the head of Al Franken. Virtually none of them have read her book, but that?s probably because few of them can actually read. Those who can read should email me to receive an explanation of the difference between the words ?their? and ?they?re.?

Once you hit the columns, the real fun begins. Even regular column-readers will be surprised and pleased to see these ?director?s cut? pieces. If you thought Coulter was great at packing laugh lines into her columns, watch what she can do with a higher word count.

Coulter begins with some highly serious writing on the September 11 attacks: a run-down of American presidential action against terrorism since the Carter Administration, and a tribute to murdered writer Barbara Olson. Of course, her Olson column, a passionate cry for justice against Islamic terrorists, is more famous for Coulter?s pronouncement: ?We know who the homicidal maniacs are. They are the ones cheering and dancing right now. We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity.?(24) It wasn?t politically correct, but then, PC responses to terrorism only work for Parisians.

And Coulter hilariously deconstructs all those who think anti-terrorism should be put through sensitivity training:

• On a ridiculous school multicultural indoctrination program entitled ?My Name Is Osama? (portraying American Muslims as victims of cruel racism): ?Liberals are incapable of embarrassment ? they?re like Arabs without the fighting spirit. How about a 1942 lesson plan titled ?My Name Is Adolf???
  
• On France?s opposition to the Iraq war: ?I?d like to see them try to stop us. Would France threaten us with war? Young men across America would have to enlist as a matter of honor. The army could use it as a recruiting slogan: ?Are you too chicken to fight the French???
  
• On liberal propaganda about John Ashcroft?s ?trampling? of civil liberties: ?someday, small children will be reading somber historical accounts about the dark night of fascism under John Ashcroft. Of course, thanks to Ashcroft, at least they?ll be reading them in English rather than Arabic.?
  
• On John Kerry?s idiotic remark that the capture of Saddam Hussein was ?a great opportunity for this president? to appeal to the United Nations: ?It?s as if he were reading my mind! After listening to all the bellyaching from European leftists for the past eight months, I think I speak for all Americans when I say I?ve been waiting for just the right opportunity to grovel to the French. And now we have it ? a major win is the perfect opportunity! That Kerry, he has an uncanny sense for what the average American is thinking.?

Coulter?s take on racial profiling composes a chapter all its own. Apparently, Ann has been closely wanded, her luggage rifled through, and some of it stolen: ?I?m now carrying gift certificates from Zales in my carry-on bag just to save the guards time during the busy holiday season.? But at least the airport measures are keeping us safe. As Ann points out, ?The FAA?s new hijacker repellant is this: Passengers will now have to show boarding passes to get to the gates. This wily stratagem will stop cold any hijackers on suicide missions who forgot to buy airline tickets!? But racial profiling is still off limits. Wouldn?t want to offend the PC police, now would we?

Honestly, after being pulled out of line five out of the last seven times I?ve flown due to my suspicious-looking yarmulke while watching young Arab/Muslim males skipping through security unexamined, I can?t imagine what in the world Ann is complaining about. One thing is for sure, though ? I hold by Ann?s rule of thumb: ?I carefully reviewed the lawsuits against the airlines in order to determine which airlines had engaged in the most egregious discrimination, so I could fly only those airlines.? One tip: don?t read this part of the book on a plane. Either you?ll giggle so hard you?ll be rolling in the aisles, or you?ll be so depressed you?ll want to walk off the plane in mid-flight. Probably both.

And then Coulter gets to the Democratic presidential candidates. By this point in the campaign, I know that I miss Al Sharpton, Howard Dean, and the rest of the escapees from Pescadero Mental Institution ? or, as Coulter calls them, ?the party of ideas.? Hearing about them is somewhat like hearing about that crazy uncle you used to have who brought you candy before he went to prison.

By the end of the primaries, all of the candidates were virtually indistinguishable anyway, notes Coulter. That?s aside from Dennis Kucinich, who, Coulter points out, ?held up a pie chart during a Democratic debate that was broadcast only on radio. (Even more embarrassing: Al Sharpton asked the moderator what kind of pie it was.)?

But at least we still have ?gigolo? John Kerry to kick around, at least for the next few days. You?ve got to love a guy who describes his wife as ?very earthy, sexy, European? ? which, as Coulter points out, ?sound like euphemisms for hairy armpits and body odor.? You?ve got to admire a fellow who ?sees a room full of wealthy widows as ?a target-rich environment.?? Continued...