Picture this: Your son goes to the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor. The day before fall session begins, Billy tells you that he wants to major in English. It's not the most useful major, you think, but then again, it could be worse. So Billy returns to school with your blessing.

After finals, Billy comes home for vacation. You ask him what he learned this quarter. "I learned how to be gay," he answers. A stunned silence. "Yeah, I took English 317, Literature and Culture."

"You learned how to be gay in an English course?"

"Sure. The title of the course was 'How to be Gay: Male Homosexuality and Initiation.' It fit my schedule. And by the way, there's this guy named Jim I met. I know you'll love him like ... well ... another son.'"

Such a scenario may sound far-fetched. It shouldn't. "How to be Gay" is a real course at the University of Michigan. The course description states: "This course will examine the general topic of the role that initiation plays in the formation of gay male identity ... In particular, we will examine a number of cultural artifacts and activities that seem to play a prominent role in learning how to be gay: (including) camp, diva-worship, drag, muscle culture, taste, style and political activism."

Professor David Halperin, the teacher of English 317, claims that his class "does not teach students to be homosexual." But in his more honest days, back in 1996, Halperin wrote: "Let there be no mistake about it: Lesbian and gay studies, as it is currently practiced in the United States, expresses an uncompromising political militancy." He also explained that lesbian and gay studies intellectuals were the leaders of the militant gay movement, pushing universities and governments "to recognize same-sex couples, to oppose the U.S. military's anti-gay policy, to suspend professional activities in states that criminalize gay sex or limit access to abortion, and to intervene on behalf of human rights for lesbians, bisexuals and gay men at the local and national levels."

The University of Michigan is not alone. English departments around the country have become brainwashing centers for the militant gay movement. Consider the courses offered at just a few of our nation's major centers of academe:

The University of Pennsylvania offers an English course titled "Theories of Sexuality." The course considers "the politics and meaning of non-normative sexualities across time and in different cultural locations" and discusses "contemporary debates about the limits of transgender identity, gay pride and gay shame, the meaning of 'queer,' and responses to HIV/AIDS." Students will look at "some examples of queer popular culture." In case that's too intellectually strenuous, the course does not require a final exam.

The University of Maryland introduces students to lesbian and gay literature in English 265, "a study of the pervasiveness of homoeroticism in literature from the Renaissance to the present." In this kind of course, two men buying drinks at a bar in a Louis L'Amour western novel are expressing unresolved sexual tension. For the more advanced student, Maryland has "Special Topics in Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Literature."

And my dearly beloved home school, University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA), offers English students the ability to delve into "Lesbian and Gay Literature Before Stonewall." According to the campus homosexual magazine TenPercent, "a class that encourages having a queer desire within texts has never been so utterly titillating ... Who knew assigned reading could be so fun and so 'GAAAAYYYYY!'" For those "titillated" into continuing their English careers, UCLA offers "Lesbian and Gay Literature After Stonewall," a course TenPercent describes as "a class that shocks you with radical queerness." The class covers "literature about angry Asian bottoms, crunchy granola lesbians, a ghetto-fabulous gay hip-hop princess and a vagina jungle."

Gay militancy has even crept into high school English courses. Amherst Regional High School in Massachusetts began offering a course on gay and lesbian literature in 2002, designed to explore the "sexual identity" of homosexuals. Sara Just, creator of the program, earned her master's from Vermont's Goddard College. "Many schools, including ours, now have policies protecting the rights of gay and lesbian kids," Just said. "For me, the next logical step is to make it clear that gay and lesbian people will be respected, celebrated and recognized in our curriculum." After founding the program, Just actively recruited students. Amherst is a public high school.

If you pay tuition, you're sponsoring the militant homosexual agenda. If you pay taxes, you're sponsoring the militant homosexual agenda. If your child majors in English, you're sponsoring the militant homosexual agenda. Tell Billy to major in math.