To illustrate some of the pitfalls, here are my six categories for bad gifts:

·        The insult gift, which criticizes rather than edify the person. “Here’s your Thigh-Master video and a subscription to Escaping Codependency Magazine, hon.” 

·        The selfish gift, which shows you can’t distinguish between what you like and what others like. “Here’s your organic lotions that I’m really into all of a sudden.”

·        The narcissistic gift, which serves your ego, not his needs. “Here’s your own framed portrait of me.”

·        The gift from me to you for me, which looks like a gift, but it’s really selfish. “Here’s that uncomfortable lingerie I know you hate to wear for me, dear.”

·        The burden gift, which is the gift that keeps on giving you problems like stealing your time or space. “Here’s your own copy of ‘War and Peace.’ Let’s talk about it when we have lunch next week.”

·        The almost good but really bad gift, which shows you know a little about someone but haven’t really taken the time to realize that a person’s interests are actually a dangerous place for gifts precisely because you probably don’t know enough about the field of interest to gift well in it. “Here, Dr. Schwartz, I thought you could use this copy of ‘Basic Anatomy for Dummies’ in your neurosurgical practice.” 

6.  Being a good gift-giver 

Okay, sarcastic humor and acerbic comments aside, how do you give good gifts? It’s simple, but it’s not simple. Be humble, and do your homework. That’s it. You have to realize that there is no formula because every relationship and every person is different. The idea of giving gifts is to put aside every desire you have other than the one to bless someone. Then you just learn whatever you have to learn about this other person so that you can buy (or make) a really good gift. 

In fact, one of the most powerful gifts is a gift that you do not even agree with and the other person knows this because this is a statement of great love. “I love you more than I love myself, and to prove it I’ll submit my own desires to my love of you, and give you what you will appreciate.” 

Now go do the work necessary to give a gift so precious that the recipient would never even think of having to say something ridiculous like, “Oh, well, it’s the thought that counts,” because the thought really did count. If this column means you need to go make some returns, so be it. And look for my next article on what to do when you get a bad gift. A hint: the answer is not to politely say, “Thank you.”